I had the experience of many people—–growing up with a Malignant Narcissist parent.. It is kind of a nightmare experience. Nothing is real. One lives in a world within a world. It is as if needs a translator. One has the strong feeling that one will be cast off from the family if one dares to question this superimposed reality.
One is living in a war zone. The war is being fought over one’s reality. One may grow up in material comfort, as I did, so that no one knows the battle one is fighting. This is, often, the case. One’s battle is secret.
When one loses one’s reality, one is forever wandering.One will look far and wide for help because there is a lost piece which makes life impossible to navigate. The missing piece is inside but that takes many trips to the outside to realize.
One’s key is one’s anger. How do I know that? I am experiencing it, of course, as I do everything I write about. I value my readers too much to talk about things from an empty, intellectual perspective, void of my own experience. I hate that, myself, and assume that you do, too.
One may never be able to show one’s anger to one’s actual parent. If the parent is like mine, the parent can punch you but cries foul when you punch back. If you are like I, you feel guilty and turn your anger inward. Guilt is anger turned inward. Guilt becomes depression. Many children of Malignant Narcissist parents are depressed. Many have addictions and other such issues. Addiction is a way to mute the pain. The pain is very great. Know that before you judge anyone else.
The people that judge have not been humbled by life. If they were, they would have the wisdom not to judge. If someone attacks you for your failings, it shows you that their failings are probably greater than theirs. Try to ignore. That is what I have learned to do, but not before jumping in a thousand times. I learn from touching the fire, in most things.
Back to the subject of anger. When one grows up with a Malignant Narcissist parent, one is not allowed to be angry. The parent has the monopoly on feelings. The parent can get angry. The parent can do all manner of things but the child knows it is not safe to express himself. The child lives trying to avoid abuse. In time, the child’s reality is skewed to the point that he thinks he deserves what is happening to him. At that point, he is lost to himself. At that point, he does not know how to get back to himself.
Many people are in that situation. That is why people look for healing in so many modalities like therapy. However, none seem to really work. They may be palliative for a brief time, but that is all. Many people are dying from broken hearts. That is really the issue.
How does one begin to heal the broken heart? You know I am going to say God.However, many of my readers do not believe in God the way I do. Everyone is welcome here. I have a practical answer that most people can use. It is to ACCESS one’s anger. If one is a sugary sweet person, one will likely be depressed. If one feels one has to please others as a kind of default state, one will be depressed. If one is depressed, one has, likely, stuffed one’s anger.
It is not easy to access your anger. One stuffed it for a reason. The reason was fear. As a child, you would have been cast off if you were angry. You knew this, so you stuffed it. Most people stuff it very,very deeply. Herein, lies the problem. How is one to get it out?
This is my opinion. People will come into your life who will treat you the same way as the abusive parent. Then, you will have a chance to replay the abuse. If you are like I, you don’t have to look for these people, they find you. Trust me on that. I am sure you know what I mean and they have found you, too.
When this happens, this is your opportunity, not your curse. It will feel like your curse. It, actually, is your curse, coming to life. However, you have the chance to face it.That is a blessing. Look at it this way and it will help.
I will say this with 10000000% certainty. It will be very scary to get angry. If you are like I am, you will feel it in your body. You will be trembling. Your stomach may hurt. You will want to run. Force yourself to use your anger. Tell that person off. Do what you should do when someone abuses you——-REACT.
One could not react as a child. There was actual danger. There is not actual danger, now. You are fighting with a ghost. Once you learn how to fight back, you can probably walk away. I am working on that now. Wish me Luck 😀
*hugs*
I wish you luck, Ami. <3
Thank you, Ferry. It is working, so that is good! <3
The way that I deal with “my” resentments, is to realize that they come from me, and
“the me.” “The me” IS the cause of MY resentments. The more of “the me” there is,
the less of the HE (Christ) there can be.
That’s why I try never to hold on to anything. I let it flow like a river.
The only peace people experience is in the NOW. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, because
you can always travel back in time and relive the source of your torment. “Now” heals
ALL wounds because true life is now or never!
Yes, Lon, our resentments are from our ego. In reality, our spirit is perfect if we are born Again. The renewing of the mind is the bridge from the old way into the new. Well said, Lon!
It’s that darned carnal mind that drags us down! “The spirit is willing, but the flesh is weak.”
That’s why when someone dies, we say, “They went the way of ALL flesh.”
“In THE FLESH dwelleth NO GOOD thing! The flesh IS DEATH! Only trouble is, the
temptations of the flesh are so delightful, they can’t be resisted EXCEPT through God’s
help.
The fruit of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil was very pretty to look at, much
less taste!
Ami, every now and then a am coming here on your forum to read and learn and I like and appreciate your articles and I am sure i am not the only one 🙂
I know from reading you got your struggle with your mother, I’m so sorry about this.
But nothing last forever and I know you will find what you looking for.
I don’t know you personally but it doesn’t matter, I know you through your writings and your forum, you always try to help or give advice you are good person and that’s the REALITY, that’s what really MATTER. Your mother has probably some issues. They are not yours. So don’t let her drag you down. That’s what makes her strong. You need to just feel sorry for her never for yourself. She is the one who is poor not you. We can be surrounded by all sorts of people but only those weak ones will try to drag you down as soon as they find out what is your sensitive point because they want to see you suffer too! Good person will give you helping hand and show you light. We don’t choose our family members so it can be hard and challenging for some. When you were child you couldn’t do nothing like you said. But this is past, leave it there you didn’t do anything bad, children are innocent and good mother won’t hurt her child.
You are maybe lost now in some kind of labyrinth of the past but you will find the right way out and labyrinth will disappear forever I am sure.
What matters is that YOU ARE good person. You don’t need to prove it to no one. If others don’t see it, it doesn’t matter because God always sees when you shine.
Wish you all the best Ami 🙂
Aww Eva, that was so dear and helped so very much. Thank you for taking the time and care to write all you did <3