The topic of intimacy is so daunting that I want to go back to bed. In my childhood home, nothing true could ever be said. I won’t say ever. I will say 90% of the time. I learned to live in books from a very young age. Books had people who were sane. My house had people who were hidden. I had within me a treasure. It was reality. I carried it like a beggar would carry food, gripped in his hand, tightly.
I knew there was a cliff off which I could fall. It would be an ugly fall into places one would never want to go. When my mother would drive me to the city, I would pass a place like this, the mental hospital. Inside me was my treasure. If I lost it, those places could come up from the pit and drag me in.
Inside me is a strong tree. It has roots that go deep. I would say that my grandmother planted it. She gave me unconditional love. I could not give anything back. I was a child and a brat, as Geminis can be. If we took a family picture, I would stick out my leg at the last minute. If my mother had a box of chocolates for company, I would stick my finger in the bottom of them to find the good ones and leave the others.
If there is nuclear power in this world, it is probably unconditional love. I still cry when I talk about my grandmother. My grandmother told it like it was, 90% of the time, but she never told it like it was about my mother. Once she did, in a way. It was a small statement but not anything compared to what it should have been.
I am trying to broach the topic of intimacy but it has to have a background. I lost my treasure, as you might have guessed. I lost my reality to the point that I had to hang on so tightly that the food in my hand became pulverized. Then, it dripped through my fingers like a baby food mush. Then, I dug my nails into my hands until they were bloody.
The reality became a dot inside me, the size of a golf ball. It was very concentrated, as golf balls are. I used to soak golf balls in vinegar, I think. I am trying to remember how I came to unravel a golf ball. It had an amazing interior with hundreds of elastic bands.
For me, my reality was held so tightly that I could not feel anymore.If I let go, I might come apart like a kaleidoscope where the colors explode such that you are mesmerized. I am trying to find my reality without it being a disaster such that an ambulances takes me away.
I came to believe in Jesus because I would have gone insane without it. One should try to come to Jesus in an easier way. He does not want us to get to this point. He calls us gently. He called me gently for my whole life but I spurned Him like a lover who won’t go away, no matter how many times you tell him you are not interested. I don’t know how I got into how I found Jesus. I guess, I gave you a thumbnail of my background and I can go on with the topic.
The point of the above was that I lost my reality. You can’t have intimacy without a true reality. I started getting my reality back when I saw an uber feminist fall for an uber bad boy. All the feminism drivel fell from her mouth like water from a broken faucet, where it spouts out and you can’t stop it and you start to panic. Then, I started to see how drivel flows from people’s mouths so smoothly that it is like ice.
I started seeing how the “spiritual” people were the lowest and the most petty. I started to see how talk was cheap. My false reality started unraveling like the golf ball, but this time in the right direction. I actually believed these people. That is what happens when you cannot feel. You fall for anything. I don’t judge people who fell for some sort of a mush. It happens when you are lost. They don’t call it lost for no reason.
I did not get lost in one fell swoop. Before I did, I learned about intimacy. I learned that you must have your own reality. Your reality can’t be fluid. It can’t be based on the reality of others. It has to come up from your own gut. Your gut can’t be frozen. It has to be how you perceive the world. That is the point of the above. I have been reminded by a reader how I went off topic. Some topics have to be broached from a different direction. One does not, always, need to be linear when getting from one point to the next.
If you want to take one point from the above, the point is that you must be able to feel reality for yourself. The minute you need to depend on others, you are in trouble. That trouble won’t go away on it’s own. It needs a steam shovel and a plow.
The pursuit of intimacy takes you into the pursuit of your own reality. That is the point. You can skip the rest and start here. Intimacy is like a dance but you can never lose your own footing. If you do, you go backwards from solid food into mush. You never should have been there, except for when you were a baby. The point is that you should have become more solid. Then, you could show yourself to another and it would not become a war game.
I suppose the underlying issue to the topic of intimacy is that we are alone, so very alone, so scarily alone, so deeply alone. Facing this is like looking into the abyss. We will do most anything not to look. That is, probably, from whence addictions arise. Isn’t it more fun to agonize over how many shoes to get at the sale at Macy’s than look into the abyss which will take you to places unknown.
I am reminded of the claw like grip of a girl on my hand when I was twelve. She was dying of a blood disease. It was one of the few times in my life I was mean. I am not mean and I don’t bully. It is the domain of cowards. This girl followed my best friend and I around like glue. We were in the girl’s bathroom and we told her we did not want to be her friend. I can see her face and feel her cold hand. That was the hand of someone a few steps from the abyss. This gets me back to the topic of intimacy because we seek intimacy to avoid facing these kinds of things. We think our beloved can hold back the door to the abyss with the power of his love like we wished our mothers could make it alright. My grandmother made it alright. I was safe for as long as she lived.
Some people can’t be intimate with others. But everyone will one day have an oppertunity
to be intimate with God. That IS our ONLY hope!
Lovely answer, Lon! You are a joy to me.
The Apostle Paul said: “Will the thing that was made, ask it’s maker Why, did you make
me this way? Heaven forbid! God makes one vessel for honor, and another to dishonor.
He is the Potter, and we the clay. And in a house there are vases of gold and vases of clay.
Don’t be so impatient. Keep reading.
You would be fun to go shopping with, B. BTW, I tried the Guerlin, today. It is beautiful!
Silicone rubber would be close enough to elastic unless you are getting all Virgo on me, B.
Ami, I love the way you write. It lets me know there is a real human out there that truly understands me. The pictures you choose let me see what a great sense of humor you have:) They are part of the reason I love your site. I would read your articles without the pictures, and I wasn’t drawn to your site because of the pictures, but they sure put a smile on my face and make me laugh! I love the one on the mars/venus combo, she looks like a salad:) To me they don’t seem indecent, but I was born in Las Vegas, Nevada so maybe my view of things is colored. I grew up thinking it was normal to see women in public with very little on, its so hot in Vegas though so I don’t blame ’em.
Keep up the great work! You are helping me get more solid every day:)
GB
I have to say that you truly made my day. I read this over and wondered if it even made sense. Just as I was feeling uncertain, I read this. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for being a part of my website and taking the time to write and encourage me, GB <3
May laugh a bit Lady Ami…used to find golf balls when I worked at a golf course and sold them for 50 cents each to buy food for the family.
Will say, I have a different experience, others offer intimacy, perhaps more then I’m comfortable with being shared, for myself however it takes lots and lots of time to have intimacy with me.
Boils down to really do not wish to judge people, would rather be there for them, so I become something of a sounding board for folks going through it
Thank you for sharing, Padre dear!
When I was a child I considered it my “obligation” to care for a neighbour girl.
She was alone and unloved, completely reviled by the other children. She had no legs.
It was my job to pull her around in a red wagon. Not only did she have no legs, she also
had no control over her bodily functions. She would do #1 and #2 without warning. She
reeked. She was mentally unstable, but far from shy, she was VERY AGRESSIVE!
She would BARK commands at me to take her here and there. She would cuss like a
sailor, while tears would fall from her eyes. She was NOT humble or grateful for the help.
It was kind of like the relationship between the actor Henry Fonda and Lucie Ball in the
film “The Big Street” (1937) Fonda was a Tauras. Ball was a Leo. These Leo gals believe
they are queens regardless of how disavantaged they are an EXPECT to be treated as
such!
All the other children fled when they saw us coming down the street. I recall one time I
tugged a bit to hard on the wagon and she went flying like a sack of potatoes. I was
mortified! I rushed to her side, picked her up, and placed her back in the wagon. I got a
hand full of urine for my troubles.
My parents were totally unaware of my dedication to the girl and wouldn’t have approved.
But I saw her as a friendless unloved girl and would have none of it.
She died not long afterwards. Except for her black foster parents (She was a little blond
girl and nobody else would take her.) I was the only one to attend her funeral.
To this day, I wonder whether the tugging incident contributed to her death, but at least her
pain is over.
Aww Lon. Your Cancer Moon felt for her. That would be a Cancer Moon story xx
And don’t forget Venus in Pisces. I evisioned her well and whole.
OK, Lon ^^
I question to what depths we should go to try to “win” Christ for carnally minded people.
Even in the SMALL chance they DID come to Christ, once they did, it would be
“Bye bye extramarital sex, and bye bye sexy pictures.”
We’re you asked a question in another thread if you “Thought of ways that Satan/God
could be defeated?
Say it ain’t so!
Satan IS defeated by the spirit of God in every single. Born Again person.
I don’t think the human body is bad to put in pictures, Lon. If I thought it was bad, I wouldn’t do it, my Friend.
I am really considering your comment, Lon. I am questioning myself. What I do on here is a reflection of who I am. My personal goal is to be an authentic person. My greater goal is to serve Jesus.
I don’t feel that Jesus is against my putting up the pictures that reflect what I am trying to say. I appreciate your input and respect it, but I don’t feel convicted that I need to change total course. I have changed the course, somewhat, but some articles call for the dark pictures, to me.
Perhaps, this is my coming to terms with my own primal nature. That may be it. I am not sure but I don’t feel convicted to totally change the nature of my pictures, Lon dear.
I hope you can still be a part of my website.
The mere presence of the pictures would have no effect on my acessessing the website.
I’m just worried for the kids. Be truthful to them. Thier minds are almost always on sex
anyway. Their brains haven’t fully developed. When they’re exposed to this “twerking”
s____, someone is likely to get killed!
Well, Lon, let me pose this to you. One has to meet a person where he is. One cannot go to a person and wag one’s finger in his face and say, “Thou shall not” Also, God made sex. God made attractions. This is all normal. We believe in sex in marriage and most people don’t but attraction and sex is a human issue. Astrology deals with human issues. There is nothing wrong with talking about these things, as I see it, Lon dear.
Lon
You don’t seem like you understand young people very well. One must not come with judgement. I have no reason to judge, anyway. I have made every mistake( and still make them)
Well, Saturn in 5th house people are born “old” aren’t they? They have serious reservations
about “play.” Besides, when the person does come it Christ aren’t they going to accuse you
of “dishonesty in advertising?” If you lead them to believe that the Bible supports promiscious
sex, then later backtrack that will drive them AWAY from Christ!
Geez Louise, Lon. A tasteful pic is not promiscuous sex. My pictures are art, in my opinion.
I don’t see the female body as not tasteful. My pictures represent my articles. Human emotions can be dark. It is worse to sweep them under the rug. Then, people get sick. I know because I did, Lon dear.
I am a full of fun person, Lon. It is one of my gifts being such a strong Gemini. I could always laugh and that was what kept me sane.
Taureans and Gemni’s have different viewpoints on these “intimate” matters.
There was a popular paperback book written years ago titled “Sun Sign Personality
Guide.” It had descriptions of the Male and Female of all the Sun Signs and how they
would match up in relationships. It was amusing to go through the book and see how a
Saggaterious man would match up with a Capracorn woman. Or how a Cancer man would
match up with an Aries woman. I looked at the contradictory match up’s and the
complementry match up’s. Of course, a book like has no space to go into the
placements. I’m sure that plenty of Pisces men would get along with Aries women.
Yes, I have a book that does that, Lon. Some signs will simply not work.
You’ve got to include EVERYTHING. When I still had my libarary, it touched on every
personality typological system under the Sun. Trouble is, you have no one to share it
with, you get depressed and throw it in the trash.
Aww Lon, you need a female friend, like me, to help you see your potential. You are adorable. You have just lost your hope.
That’s how a computer gets you into places you could never get into otherwise.
With Mars in the 7th, people are almost mechanically rude to me. They might not even
be aware of it. You never get a second chance to make a first impression. And my
placements bring out the worst in others. My mother could always see that; that I
brought out the worst in people. You just give up after a while in frustration.