I can be tenacious when I want. Ask the few people who have worked me up to the point that they beg mercy for me to let them go.
They wish they never started the game, if you could call it that. However, once you get me going to that degree, you made your bed and you lie in it That is my mother’s favorite saying. She said it when I fell down or made a mistake.The point was that I should suffer and she would be happy for it.
If I get off on my missteps, it will be a whole other story. For now, I am trying to tell you how I became bad. First of all, I stayed good for a long time. It was pure tensile strength. I was normal. What is normal? It is accepting what is without putting a lot of fluff on it. By that standard, I was normal However, I despised my mother.I could never despise her in peace because I pitied her and I loved her, too.
My mother looked goofy. She was too tall. She wore orange stretch pants. Her feet were huge, but in all her goofiness, I loved her. I was her doll. She doted on me but she hated that I was her pretty,little doll.
My love for her was like that for an animal who bites you but you can’t get rid of it. People tell you to take it to the pound but you don’t. I was like the victim of a flesh eating bacteria. I lost fingers and toes and then limbs. Finally, I was just a torso like the person who is born a monster.
I raised my hand to the sky and begged God to show me reality but nothing happened so, I decided I must be crazy. I threw myself away the way you would a bad set of clothes that got so dirty, in some unseemly way, that you throw them out the car window or into a dumpster behind a restaurant.
I became the sanitized version of myself like a smutty song that they want to peddle to kids as something it is not. Likewise, my life became grey. I could never make the grey go away, no matter what I did. I tried everything from bad things to good things from the nun version to the wicked version but the grey remained.
With it came a cloying sadness that mixed with the grey and made mud that surrounded me like Pig Pen’s cloud. It was indelible mud, such that it sticks to your soul.
I slunk around like an animal who hides during the day and comes out at night. I held on for dear life because the abyss was opening and grinning. I fought it because I was loved once.
My grandmother died when I was pregnant with my first child. I was six weeks pregnant when I went to her funeral. I was sick from the baby but did not know, so thought that my heart was just broken and that it broke my body, too.My grandmother loved me..That love was in my heart like indelible ink, the kind used for a tattoo on your chest of your girlfriend or your mother. At her funeral, the casket was so small. How had she become so thin?
She must be the Saturn trine Moon in my chart. I am an earth void, so walk never being able to touch the ground, but love kissed me with a kiss that lasted through the ages. Love will do that. Don’t forget it.
It says about the Moon in Cancer person: “They can never get over what their
mothers did or didn’t do for them.” A person can have a “good” or a “bad” relationship
with their mother, but no one has a “normal” relationship with their mother.
Motherhood is a tough and thankless role. Innocent are not. they get blamed for most
everything. We are taught to hold them in high esteem no matter what.
They are the guilt feelers and the guilt givers. I’m sure you must have thought, “Am I to
blame? Could I have done a better job?”
Don’t beat yourself up. God knows your heart, intentions, and full extent of your ablities.
God knows you tried your best. There is a large Manson waiting for you in Christ’s
Kingdom. You will entertain both your sons there.
Aww Lon, that is some of the poetry of your heart. Love you, Brother <3
I can only assume that the blog is under Satanic assult!
Everything is, Lon. Why do you say that, though, Lon?
You seem to be very harried. You haven’t written anything new of late, and since the
“change” that you mentioned a few days ago it’s harder to acess the site. Everything
operates at a much slower pace. It seems whatever system you had in place before was
Also, the statement, “This posting will be moderated,” insn’t very encouraging.
People believe when they read that, that their postings might not appear at all.
What happened is that I changed web companies and so for a few days, it will be slow. I will send your comment to the web guy so he knows for sure. Where does it say”your posting will be moderated, Lon? I think this just means that if people swear at me etc, I can delete it. It is not related to normal comments or even hateful ones, just pornographic kinds of ones or slurs against someone’s religion etc.
Yes, I feel harried or did. I am really forcing myself to break out of my shell of isolating, in my real life. It is not easy. When I read your last post about social skills, that is what I am talking about although mine were in place until I stopped doing things, as much as I could. So, now, I feel I have to push myself out of this hole. I know you can appreciate how hard that would be.xx
Ordinarily, when someone posts on a site, it is printed immeadiately. When you see
the statement “This post is awaiting moderation” it usually means that that it will take
sometime to show up in print, or might NEVER show up. At least, that has been my
experience in the past. I guess it’s impossible to remove a post once it has been printed,
but again, I’m out of my league with computers so I don’t know.
That is a safety mechanism for me so that people don’t put bad things on here like swears etc. I can look and see before I allow the comments on. People can tell me they can’t stand me and I put that on but not swearing at me or saying vile thing. So, it is to stop outright profanity only.
I’m glad to hear that because some people use it as a mechinism to weed out
The Moderation is there for outright pornographic comments which I get, especially with my political stands. People can tell me they don’t like me and don’t like what I do. I had a Christian woman say she thought my pictures were ungodly and she would be ashamed to refer people to my site. She had 4 long paragraphs with all the Scripture that said I was bad. I did not delete her comment but the new change in web designers did 😀