Everything I write about I have lived. If you see an article on abuse, I lived it. If you see an article on pain, I lived it. If you see an article on low self esteem, I lived it. I have over four thousand articles. Some are the experiences of my clients from thousands of charts. However, the ones about life pain are rooted in my own experience. These are the steps I have done and do to overcome being a victim because I was one and I am sure I am still one, in ways of which I am unaware. I think this applies to everyone. I stumbled on these steps. I persevered because I had no choice. I could die or I could live. I wanted to live. I hope this helps you. That is my desire in all I do.
1. If a person is a victim, he cannot help it. One may THINK he can help it. One may try to cajole him out of it. One may try to shame him out of it. One may try to love him out of it. The latter will work. It will help him in his process. However, it will be one step in a many stepped journey. If you cannot love him, leave him alone. Nothing else will help. Love must be from a pure heart, with no expectations. Love is it’s own energy. It is as powerful as nuclear power. Learn how to use it and YOU will be a powerful person!
2. If one was abused, one will become a victim. The form may vary. One person may be an abuser. One may be more of the traditional victim. However, both are victims of PATTERNS of behavior. The abuser is fighting the same battles as the victim. It just looks different.
3. One has developed victim/abuser patterns in order to survive. No one wants to be an abuser or a victim, not really. It is a locked in pattern developed from years and years(usually) of pain. God makes defense mechanisms so the organism(we) will not die. We become twisted but we endure. Those twists are the nature and root of the problem which manifests in the abuser or victim.
4. Accept that you have become a victim. Don’t run from it. No one can heal something that is not faced and accepted.
5. Once one has done the prior steps, one needs to begin to change one’s current behavior. Shame is the core problem, when one is a victim. One may not understand the nature of shame. Not understanding it prevents one from changing. Hence, understanding shame is KEY. I cannot say this enough. If I have to highlight one point, it is this. Understand Shame.
6. Shame is the sense that we are bad, at the very,very,very core. Abuse confers shame, in all cases. The child feels as if it is his fault, in all cases. He feels he brought the abuse on himself by not being “good enough”. Shame gets buried deeply. Hence, it is a struggle to unearth. It is the hardest journey one will take, in my opinion and in my experience.
7. Once one has done the above steps, it is time to make an action plan. An action plan involves not allowing others to induce shame in one. Others will try. It is the nature of life on this earth. Shame is a weapon that is wielded to control the behavior of others. It is a potent weapon and it works. That is why it is used. If you don’t understand this mechanism, you will never overcome being a victim.
8. One needs love to heal. Pray and ask God, in my opinion, to send people to love you. He will do it. Be grateful for these people. They are angels. When you can, learn to give love back. This will empower you. If one can love, one is a strong person.
9. Know that God does not make junk. You are not junk, even though you may feel you are. All victims feel worthless. That is the nature of being a victim.
10. Know that in all your struggles, you will never overcome everything. You are a flawed pot, as the Bible calls us. You will never reach to the hallowed halls of “normality”. However, if you keep trying, you will run the race well. That is all anyone can expect.