In certain articles, I am the mouthpiece or the hand piece. I just communicate what Something larger than I wants to say. This series of articles falls into that category.My mother is a Malignant Narcissist. She is classic for the condition, although when I study the subject, there are others who are worse. I was not the black sheep of the family. That distinction went to the brother younger than I. I was the Golden Child until my youngest brother was born and then he assumed that role. The Golden Child suffers the least abuse.
This series is from my own experience. I don’t write about things of which I have an intellectual understanding only. There is enough of that. I call it unintelligible mush. One can tell if a person( or writer) is talking off the top of her head or from her soul. I attempt to talk from my soul. That is the only kind of talk that helps, in my opinion. That brings me to the topic of loving oneself. It is very, very difficult to love oneself when one has been abused. If one has survived abusive childhood, one has done so by building defenses. Part of these defenses is an armor of self hate. One could show or even feel direct hate for the the abuser when one was a powerless and helpless child. One, usually, had great love for the abuser. One still does, if the abuser was the parent. However, the PRICE of loving the abuser is hating oneself. One cannot both love oneself and one’s tormentor. That is the crux of this article.
For someone who was abused to learn to love himself, the journey will be very difficult. If anyone tells you he has a microwave version, run. There is no microwave version. The reality is that the defenses which were erected must come down slowly. If not, one will lose one’s sanity. I do not say that in jest. One’s sanity is maintained BY the defenses. If one is twisted in any way( and all abused people are) one will have many layers of defenses. They must come off layer by layer by layer. This is the sad truth but also,the hopeful truth because one can heal. I am doing it, so I know it can be done. If one person breaks a paradigm, everyone can. I am not saying I am the only person who broke the paradigm, of course, only that I have and that should be hope to people who are depressed and are reading this.
I think the depressed person MUST shift her loyalty from the abuser to herself. It must be a true inner shift, not just superficial words. Also, if the native is able to get her power back from the abuser, this process will greatly assist her in her pursuit of self love.If the abuser is still alive, try to engage with her with the goal of restoring your own power and not protecting her. The abused person protects the abuser. That is one causal factor in the depression. The abuse victim does not realize that she protects the abuser. However, her depression, itself, is a protection for the abuser. I will explain.
One’s depression shifts one’s anger and loathing from the abuser to oneself. One, usually, does not realize this. I just realized this this week. I would have denied it prior to this time, so I expect many people to do the same, not out of deceit but out of repression. However, the main point is to stand up to the abuser. This will be very difficult because concomitant with depression is guilt.
Guilt is layered into the fabric of depression because most abusers use guilt as a tool to abuse. When the victim gets angry, the abuser shifts attempts to shift the victim’s anger to guilt. Once this pattern is established, the native repeats this himself. Once the victim is locked into this habit, the victim will take abuse from others, including partners, because the partners will employ the same methods of abuse as the original abuser *HUGE SIGH*
Alice Miller talks about these concepts on her website and in her groundbreaking books. The problem is that one must understand them with the heart in order for them to effect any change. If not,the are just useless words, along with the many useless words in the many articles on depression. Unless a person has suffered from a disorder, I do not think they can get behind the eyes of the disorder in a way that will be therapeutic for others. That is my opinion for depression or any of the other similar dis-eases.
I will do an article with people’s questions as I have gotten a good one and hope I get more. Please, leave your questions on my Comment Form.