God—WHY Did You Make Me This Way?

My cry has been more why did God give me my mother. My chart is loaded with gifts. It seems as if God was  blessing me over and over. However, I was severely restricted and broken down by my relationship with my mother, who is a Malignant Narcissist. They do not have empathy. Hence, one can see how hard would be the life of their child. Hence, my life was like living in a war zone and blaming myself, over and over and over. My self esteem eroded to nil.I wanted to hide. I felt that I was different—-bad. I felt that my thoughts were bad. I felt I was selfish and pettyI felt that my emotions were bad– especially anger and pride.  I just wanted to hide and hide so I would not hurt anymore. The more I hid, the worse it got. However, since I became numb at age 14, it never could get better because I was too numb to figure out how.

I had a terrible death in my family and then I decided that my life must have a purpose and six years later, I am here, writing this. I say all this to bring us back to the charts and your life. I can see how my life was written in the chart and I will give you examples, so you can see this in your own chart, hopefully.

God made me attractive. I am not trying to brag but to say that every part of the chart God made for His design. I think if I were not, my mother would have hated me more than I could bear and God knew that. My mother dressed me like a doll and I was her doll. This was one of the small tokens of affection I got. I have Venus trine the ASC. Venus confers attractiveness and grace on the native. Look for how Venus aspects the ASC in the charts you do.

I have Chiron in the 4th House in Aquarius. My mother has an exact Sun combust Mercury in Aquarius. This is an exact conjunction to my Chiron. What this means for those of you who are not advanced in Astrology is that my mother was probably mentally ill. The combust is a big factor in mental illness. I know that people don’t like when I say direct things like this but I will explain. The combust is very degree sensitive. An exact combust is a terrible curse. The person cannot get out of her own way. The world revolves around every tiny feeling and thought she has. This is through no fault of her own. It is the nature of the Sun/mercury combust. If the combust is at 5 degrees, it is quite different.

I was the target of my mother’s mental illness because she wanted me  to heal her. The Planet person  wants the Chiron person to heal him. Remember this when you see Chiron in synastry. So, my mother brought this seat of madness to my Chiron, my own deep pain. One’s Chiron shows one’s own deep pain. This is true for everyone in every chart. This was a core of our relationship. I was supposed to make her feel good. I was supposed to shine for her, but too much so I did not outshine her. Hence, I was set on a terrible obstacle course like a new recruit in Boot camp. I wanted to survive by climbing poles and forging rivers but in the process I got trampled and disheveled. At the end, I was a weird mutant of my former self. However, and this is the point, I think it was all meant to be and the chart saw this and knew this. Actually God saw this and knew this and created this.

Once one has become a six year Astrology student like I, one can see many correlations in the charts. It takes time to be creative with the charts. Astrology is a language just like any language. One does not write poetry in a language before one learns to say hello. Now, I am at a point where I can ask broader questions, such as this. I hope they help you, too, as I know many, many people are struggling like I am . I know that by doing your charts.

Back to my own chart. I have some  strange but pivotal aspects. They are both my curses and my saving graces. They are  Pluto conjunct Dejanira. Dejanira conjunct Aura and Dejanira conjunct the Child Asteroid. I will explain. Dejanira is the asteroid of the victim. People who have Deja conjunct the Moon always seem to have bad abuse and usually sexual. Most I have seen become Borderline Personality Disorder sufferers. This is through no fault of their own. Who would want this? No one! However, Dejanira will play out, as everything in the chart. Hence, people with a strong Deja will be victimized. How can I say that, you may ask? The charts are my teachers and I am the student.

To me, if I see Deja conjunct the Moon, it is the single worse aspect in the chart, bar none. I cringe when I see it. I don’t know why a person would have to be abused an victimized but God is good and God is love. We see through a glass darkly while we are on the earth. God knows why we have our charts. We can ask Him when we get to Heaven, but then we won’t care. Back to Deja. Deja conjunct the Moon is the worst aspect because anything that conjuncts the Moon is like a knife in the heart. If it is a good asteroid like Ceres, it is a blessing in the heart.

When you look at charts, scope out the Moon first. If the person is anything, he is his Moon.  Deja conjunct the Sun or ASC is a hard placement. However, it does not come close to the Moon. This goes for any of the bad asteroids such as Sado( sadism) or Nessus( the asteroid of the abuser. I have people write to me and tell me not to use the words good and bad. I use them on purpose because things ARE good and bad. Political correctness makes everything into a mush. I am not politically correct. If you want a politically correct Astrologer, don’t bother writing me:   look elsewhere.

Back to my chart, I have the unfortunate placement of Deja conjunct Aura. I give off a victim vibe in my aura, I suppose. I don’t know because I can’t see myself. However, I have numerous incidents of people thinking I am weak. Then, they try to victimize and  come up against strength from other parts of my chart and are, usually, blown away. This has happened so many times that I wonder if Deja conjunct my Aura is the problem. I am, also, a very tender person with a Cancer Moon and Mars. However, I suspect that Aura conjunct Deja is the real reason that people think they can take shots at me.

That brings me to the  placement  of  Pluto conjunct Deja. I have never really been bullied. If people mess with me, they learn that I am not as sweet as I may  seem. If I am harassed enough, that person will be sorry and it has happened enough times that I see the pattern.

My point in saying all this is that curses such as Deja conjunct the Aura become blessings with Pluto conjunt Deja. Pluto seems to confer great primal power to what it touches. God gave it to me so I would not be bullied. Many people who are abused as children are bullied. I was not. I, basically, have never been bullied. I, always, thought it was stupid to let some jerk get one over on me. I would see kids who were bullied and wonder why they did not stand up. The reason was because their charts made for being bullied and they had no understanding of the dynamics like I did with my Saving Grace.By the way,  Chiron conjunct the ASC always seems to be severe bullying. The closer, the more severe the bullying.

I say all this to show the intricacies in my chart and yours. Each person is a work designed by God. I have not said all I wanted to say but this article is getting long, so I will stop here and await your comments, as always!