What does sexual abuse do to your psyche?
You fragment. You may look fine. You may not. However, inside, you are like a prism. You have light and color coming in from all directions like strobe lights gone mad. You may struggle to fit in, as I do. You may look fine, as I may do. However, inside, I struggle not to lose my mind. Sometimes, I hold it, tightly, like a lover’s embrace. I beg it to stay strong. I beg it not to crack. By force of will, I am here. By force of will, I am before you, writing this.
I found God, from pure pain. I would not have found Him, without it. No way, ever. I found Him because I lost all my own devices. Where did I have to turn but up?
That is my story in a very small nutshell. I say it to help anyone with a similar story.
I have a very vivid picture of how I cleanse myself periodicaly although I am not certain its the best way to deal with it but its the only that works for me thus far…Of course it is the painful and in some ways the tragic….I see my life as a lego construction, I sit in silence and tentatively look at it from all angles…I have pieces in my bucked that represent future events as well as unclassified events. In one swift blow-I bring the whole construction down…I then again sit amidst the ruins, the chaos…I cry, contemplate,beg for mercy,pray….. and then I pick up the foundation plate and start building over again….better,brighter,lighter and higher…I incorporate the pieces I didn’t like into new structures…I put in some new pieces….I experiment with colors and shapes……and build a new ME. I am not sure how many times I’ve gone through this….but I would guess its a 10 or 12 yr cycle. 🙂 (p.s. certain pieces that are outdated/old/broken/scared etc go to the garbage can).
I just found another article for abuse in general….I guess I should have written my story there…..but I don’t know how to edit or even delete this…so I’ll try copy paste and see what happens 🙂